The Audiophile’s Zombie Survival Guide

The Audiophile’s Zombie Survival Guide


So here we are, humanity at its final act, the curtain dropping with a groan. And there you are, in the middle of a zombie-infested wasteland, not just clinging to life but clinging to something far more critical: your most cherished sound system. Because survival is one thing, but doing it without hi-fi? You’d rather let the zombies chew on your speaker cables than degrade your audio to some tinny, lifeless noise. You’re in this apocalypse to live, not merely survive, and there’s no way you’re letting the undead—or even the complete and utter collapse of civilization—ruin your soundstage.

At this point, it’s a toss-up between savoring your music in all its glory and risking drawing the attention of zombies. You want your setup so locked down that even a hyper-sensitive K9 zombie ear can’t pick up a single reverb. First, you need to DIY the hell out of soundproofing. Forget fancy insulation—this is apocalypse chic. Old carpets? That’s the new Italian marble. Tape them to every wall you’ve got left standing. You’ll want to smother the doors in blankets, double layers if you can. Sure, it’ll look like a padded cell, but that’s just part of the aesthetic now.

And the subwoofer—that rebellious little box threatening to out you with every kick drum—must be handled like it’s a grenade with the pin halfway out. You know zombies are low-frequency junkies; they can practically smell bass. Seriously, lock them in a room with a spoon, some baking soda and a subwoofer, and before you know it, those frequencies will be filling their rotten black lungs. So shove that thing on the softest materials you can scavenge. Pillows, foam, maybe even old sweaters. Hell, build a throne of cushions around it if you must. A muffled sub is better than an exposed location, and a subtle bass is better than an eaten brain.

Now, about the power situation. Society’s gone dark, the grid’s fried, and if there’s anything an audiophile can’t handle, it’s dead air. Generators? Please. Those things roar louder than a zombie orgy at a bacchanal in Caligula’s bathhouse. What you need are low-profile battery banks, whisper-quiet inverters, and if you’re feeling ambitious, maybe even a solar panel rigged to keep your DAC breathing. Look, the world’s toast, but at least the sun’s still there. Might as well get a little juice out of it—no one’s saving the planet now. But hey, at least the shareholders cashed out before the zombies showed up.

The real beauty of your survival setup is that it keeps things minimal. Gone are the days of your power-guzzling amplifier. Think portable DAC, think efficient preamp, think one amp if you have to. Now’s not the time for flexing; it’s the time for finesse. You always wanted to get into minimalism, and now, well, you’ve got no choice. Who knows—maybe living with a stripped-down system will make you appreciate music again.

When it comes to finding your setup location, remember that zombies aren’t climbers—not these ones, anyway. That’s for the sequel, where the billionaires who ditched Earth have to outrun the Martian undead (spoiler: they can’t). Earth zombies are nothing but foot-draggers, gravity slaves, and ground-bound clowns. So if you can get your system up a few floors and replace the stairs with a rope, you’re golden. An attic is basically your own concert hall, and guess who’s lounging in the VIP lounge while those suckers outside wander aimlessly? Let the zombies have the streets; you’ve got your own party in the listening seat.

And you’re going to want to keep that gear hidden like it’s the last bar of chocolate on Earth, and that bar of chocolate has the last golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Totally Zombie-Proof Flying Fortress. Zombies might not care about your tube amp, but there are humans out there who’ll take your life for less. I’m talking record raiders, vinyl vultures, subwoofer swindlers, hi-fi hoodlums and speaker scavengers. Disguise your gear like you’re hiding treasure from pirates. Cover your speakers with old sheets, shove your amp inside a cabinet with a busted door. You want this place looking like the junk drawer of an abandoned Radio Shack—your gear should blend in so well that looters would trip over it without even noticing. You’re going for apocalypse camouflage, not showroom chic.

Now, let’s get real about the state of your gear. Apocalypse weather? Not gentle on electronics. Dust storms, acid rain showers, and a whole lot of grime. Get yourself heavy-duty plastic covers, tarps, and dump every silica gel packet you can scavenge in with your setup. Treat your amp like it’s an open-heart patient in a sandstorm. Keep it clean, keep it dry, keep it going.

Let’s talk essentials, because in an apocalypse, everything breaks eventually. A smart audiophile has a survival kit that’s not just food and bandages but spare tubes, transistors, a bit of tape, maybe some epoxy. If you’re a tube amp lover, you know those tubes are like precious gems now. Keep ‘em locked up like heirlooms, or you’ll be stuck with silent speakers and nothing but the zombie moans for company. And if you’ve got analog equipment—turntables, cassettes, reel-to-reels—you’re sitting on a gold mine. Digital setups might crash with the first EMP or glitch, but analog? It’s built to outlast the damn apocalypse. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll stumble upon an underground vault with remnants of human society that welcomes you with open arms. But probably not. This is real life, after all—not Fallout.

Ultimately, it’s about keeping what makes you you, even when the world’s gone. Getting by is one thing, but you’re out here thriving, you introvert maverick. You’ve rigged a listening room that could survive a Macedonian siege. You’ve powered your system off sunlight and stubbornness. You’ve kept it slick, hidden, and, most importantly, alive. Because maybe, just maybe, when the last zombie is gone and the world starts anew, it’ll be you, your speakers, and that first note filling the silence. Zombies might own the Earth, but your sound? That’s the only world you need.

2024 PMA Magazine. All rights reserved.


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